Sunday, 20 September 2009

An interview with VP, Edward Cullen...

I rapped on Edward’s office door and didn’t wait for a response before striding in, a pen stuck in the back of my messy bun. His head snapped up to protest at the intrusion upon his sacred privacy, but his mouth snapped shut as I sat on the edge of his desk, pulling the pen from my bun and snatching his steno pad from his workstation. Pushing my glasses up on my nose, I crossed my barely covered legs, allowing them hang down next to his chair and let them swing, almost hypnotizing him with their movement.

Right where I wanted him.

VAJWET: I believe, Mr. Cullen, we have an interview today?

Edward: A…an interview? I don’t remember… Was this on my schedule? (punches keys in a panic, pulling up his Outlook). God I hate it when…

VAJWET: (putting hand over crazed typing hands) Relax, we do.

Edward: OK… Um, what is this about?

VAJWET: Just relax and play along. Like when I put on the cheerleading uniform and you…

Edward: *blushes* Yeah. Um. But no questions about that. Unless, of course, you have it with you and you’re going to put it on. Because I have my helmet and my shoulder pads in the closet…

VAJWET: No, Mr. Cullen. Some questions first, all right?

Edward: Alright, then.

VAJWET: I understand that you are the Vice President of Cullen Robotics. Now, you’re the youngest son, so why would Carlisle Cullen make you the Vice President, second only to him?

Edward: Well, I do have a law degree from Harvard, and engineering degree from Berkley and an MBA I got concurrently.

VAJWET: But your brothers are similarly well educated…

Edward: *sighing* Probably because my father assumed that I would be the one who would allow work to be my life. Because I didn’t… before… I didn’t… really… date….

VAJWET: And why is that, Edward?

Edward: I was too busy. And… and most women are so vapid and … I can’t STAND untoward ladies and with my family’s money…

VAJWET: On with the questions, shall we?

Edward: *smirking* Will I be receiving some… reward for my compliance?

VAJWET: If you answer my questions, that is a good possibility. How do you feel about cowgirls?

Edward: *sucks in breath* Fair enough.

VAJWET: Ok, our first question comes from Jess. She would like to know what it was, in your past, that made you such a… how shall I say this… prude?

Edward: I’m not a prude!

VAJWET: Currently, no. But, you have showed rather… conservative… behavior in the past.

Edward: It’s not my fault that Emmett used to make me watch porn with women on leashes and Jasper had the amazing habit of managing to put the centerfold of the month on the front of my locker from 6th grade on until every person in school called me a pervert when really I didn’t even lose my virginity until I was 21!

VAJWET: Wow. Remind me to talk to you about counseling later. Moving on. Victoria would like to know why it is that you have been such an outspoken opponent of the Bot project.

Edward: I’m not… er, I wasn’t. Business-wise, it’s a cutting edge project with the prospect of being extremely lucrative for Cullen Robotics both financially and in reputation. My problem with the project has always been you, Apple.

VAJWET: What about my involvement in the project, Edward?

Edward: You… you’re… YOU! You should be courted and worshipped and treated like a goddess. Dinner and romance and poetry and… not riding some machinery. *shudders*

VAJWET: You do know that sometimes a girl just needs a good poke, right?

Edward: Sacrilege when it comes to you, love.

VAJWET: *rolls eyes* OK, so you’re jealous of the bots?

Edward: No… I mean, yes, in a way, but no.

VAJWET: I’m not even going to try. Next question – how do you really feel about your brothers and your father?

Edward: Well, Emmett is just Emmett. There is no other way to describe him. I’m considering submitting him as an adjective the next time Miriam Webster updates her tome. He’s a pain in my ass, speaks without thinking, has an awful temper, but is also one of the kindest, most warm-hearted brothers I could ask for and is surprisingly intelligent.

Jasper is a lesson in contradiction. He’s probably the most even-tempered, laid back, unflappable person I know… he could probably stand in front of a firing squad and crack a joke and light a smoke while talking up his executioner… but he’s also viciously smart and extremely good at manipulating people to get his way.

Carlisle, well, before mom died, he was the model husband and father. Now…. Well, he’s always there for counsel and is one of the wisest men I know, but Jesus did his libido skyrocket. It’s unnerving…

VAJWET: And what do you think of the women in the lab?

Edward: All of you, of them, are fucking brilliant. I don’t know what my father did to find 6 women with that much brainpower and…


Edward: Well, it’s not often that you find one woman with a brain that could rival the best on the planet and bodies… *blushing*. It’s just not a common thing. I love them all. One in particular.

VAJWET: Why, Mr. Cullen, are you running your hand up my thigh?

Edward: Hmmm…

VAJWET: More questions. Victoria would like to know if you love your new mummy.

Edward: *groans* Certainly, Carlisle is not going to insist…

VAJWET: If Victoria asks, I’d say you’d bet your sweet ass he will…

Edward: *slams head into desk and mutters* I like mummy fine.

VAJWET: Okay then. Last question. The ladies want to know what you’re packing.

Edward: *quirks brow* Packing?

VAJWET: *rolls eyes* Baby, they want to know the size of your cock….

Edward: Erect or not erect?

VAJWET: Let’s try this. Remember last night? When I was working on specs for a project, leaning over my desk in just pink cheekies and nothing else?

Edward: *loosens tie and adjusts pants* Yes…..

VAJWET: And then I dropped to my knees for a “study break” and…

Edward: YESS…

VAJWET: Ok, so now? What size is it now?

Edward: *popping cock out* Approximately the length from your lips to mid-esophagus…

VAJWET: Jesus…

VAJWET was unable to complete interview due to enhanced dimensional analysis of The Vice President of Cullen Robotics cock using anatomical comparative methods. Like how much fit before he couldn’t fit anymore….

In the future, VAJWET will attempt to send another interviewer who does not go pantiless and ride her boss on a regular basis.

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